The scene where I saw beauty in the strongest wind that stopped me from walking towards my worst fears. I never just faced my fears; I looked into the eyes of the ones who caused the trauma and saw how disturbed they were. I walked towards my fears even when every thought told me to turn around.
I walked so close to fear and asked, with my calmest voice and the most steady breath, “Do you seriously think I am scared to face you?”
The ounce of warmth that multiplied when I kept facing each bully and each insecure human, with every bead of rosary—they didn’t just fall; they were too scared to ask, “How are you still standing? I thought I broke you?”
I took responsibility for a lot, and where my mistakes happened, I’ll always take responsibility. I never ran from mistakes. Where I had no fault of my own, I have rightfully spoken up, and to still see how people are petty.
Funny to see people be their worst when I am cutting the last cord. I am disposable. I can be replaced. I’ll not get to see you try it, but I am already getting a few shots of seeing you try it.
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More Than Facing
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Not Worried
If all my steps were stolen from me,
I wouldn’t worry.
If someone called me a fool, I wouldn’t worry.
If someone called me a liar,
I wouldn’t worry.
If someone I cared about left me, I wouldn’t worry.
If I die today, I won’t regret it.
If I lost everything, I wouldn’t worry.
If you hate me, I won’t worry.
If you have something against me, use it.
If you don’t want me on this planet,I can’t help it; I’ll be here as long as I can breathe.
If anything,
I would rather have a good night’s sleep than have you rent-free and
steal my sleep.
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Someplace Else
I said I’ll write again when I know I am okay to face it. More, that I’ll put myself out there when I feel safer.
My safety was stolen by the one who I was loyal to. I magnify every word and see how the cracks existed long before my last drop in the bucket, which broke all illusions of beauty and trust.
Now, I am honest about how not good this was for me. How I have outgrown this state of one point six months. This honesty to myself was brutal. How I poured myself into their cracks and let some slide.
My truth is not their truth; their truth is to have me let every crack slide. I don’t owe them that.I don’t owe anyone that. Let alone figures that don’t care about anyone, and how their turnover is without any care. How can I care when the humans on the other side could care less?
My bucket has lost all space. I smile as I walk away from memories, from the lost sense of need and want, to be my same best self away from those who don’t deserve me, to someplace else.
Calosha Gomes 